The Mortician's Sale: A Trail of Dead Bodies "Second Hand Coffins" | Crime Fiction Podcast

0:00 Speaker 1: The doorway to nightmare. Come in. Welcome. I'm your host, Artemis Black. to die, to sleep no more, and in that sleep what dreams may come. Hamlet had many questions about the specter with the long black robe and the ominous looking sickle. There are those certain special human beings who that have made quite a lucrative living off of dying.

0:58 Speaker 2: I am very sorry for your loss, Mr. Jenkins. Yes, my men will collect your loved one this afternoon. I understand that it was quite sudden. Yes, all of the arrangements have been made. There is nothing for you to worry about. Goodbye.

1:19 Speaker 3: Danielle, are you busy?

1:24 Speaker 2: Sheriff Ward. How good it is to see you. No, I'm not busy at the moment.

1:32 Speaker 3: What's this I hear of a half-price sale?

1:36 Speaker 2: Oh, simply something that I have decided to do. To help.

1:41 Speaker 3: But this is a funeral home. How can you possibly have a half-price sale?

1:47 Speaker 2: Well, sometimes our products are borrowed for a viewing only. So we refurbish them as gently used. That way we can offer them at a second-hand price.

2:02 Speaker 3: Don't you think it's just a little on the morbid side?

2:05 Speaker 2: In what way? I'm simply trying to move some of my excess inventory.

2:11 Speaker 3: I don't think coppins are exactly an impulse purchase.

2:16 Speaker 2: Oh, come now. I offer a service to bereaved families. But the cost is extremely high. Have you any idea the kind of money it takes to run a place like this?

2:27 Speaker 4: Well, I.

2:29 Speaker 2: Almost $ 80, 000 a month! And that doesn't even include salaries, taxes, overhead... I have to have this little sale to make room for the new inventory.

2:42 Speaker 3: How many have you sold?

2:43 Speaker 2: The sale began two days ago, and I've managed to sell four so far.

2:49 Speaker 3: Would it interest you to know that there have been exactly four deaths in this county since you began this sale?

3:00 Speaker 2: Really? And what was the cause of death?

3:05 Speaker 3: Natural causes.

3:06 Speaker 1: Oh.

3:08 Speaker 2: Surely you don't believe that there is a coalition between my sale and these deaths, do you?

3:17 Speaker 3: Just seems awfully funny to me.

3:25 Speaker 2: Well, it's about time.

3:27 Speaker 4: I'm sorry, Miss Slumber. It took a little longer than I expected.

3:31 Speaker 2: Do you have my money?

3:33 Speaker 1: Oh, yes, ma'am.

3:41 Speaker 2: Where's the rest of it?

3:43 Speaker 4: Well, that's all I could get.

3:45 Speaker 2: From the Hobbs estate? I find that rather hard to believe.

3:50 Speaker 5: Look, Miss Slumber, you don't know what I have to go through to get that stuff. I have to pay movers, storage fees, and then I have to contact my buyer and pray that he gives me a good price.

4:06 Speaker 2: Perhaps you should find a new buyer.

4:09 Speaker 5: How?

4:12 Speaker 4: How is it that you are able to get the entire estate?

4:17 Speaker 2: Oh, it is rather easy. You see, most people never pre-plan for a funeral. When someone passes on, the family is in a state of shock. They have neither the means nor the money for the cost of taking care of their loved ones.

4:38 Speaker 4: Oh, I get it.

4:41 Speaker 5: You come in with some sort of a, a legal contract and, and.

4:46 Speaker 2: Take them for all that they are worth. Property, land, bank accounts, the works. I wheel and deal with the best of them. And to the worst, I give them the best deals.

5:05 Speaker 4: So why do you need to have this, this, um, The sale?

5:12 Speaker 2: As I explained to the sheriff, I have to move inventory.

5:16 Speaker 5: Yeah, but everyone that bought one of those half-price coffins, they died.

5:27 Speaker 2: Yes, they have. Quite funny, don't you think?

5:36 Speaker 4: Of course I will. Don't you know how much profit we could make? Hey, when it's just me, I did it all. Oh, yeah, yeah.

5:50 Speaker 5: I had her sign a contract that entitles me to everything. Naturally, she didn't know what she was signing.

6:01 Speaker 4: Could have been the Declaration of Independence for all she knew.

6:07 Speaker 5: Oh, no, no, not just for business reasons. All of the estates, stocks, bombs, and anything else she has managed to acquire.

6:21 Speaker 4: No, the funeral home is just the tip of the iceberg. And I believe it may happen sooner than you think.

6:34 Speaker 1: People handle death in many different ways. Some grieve for the departed for a long time. Others may not show any emotion. And then there are the few who find humor in the subject. I'll be back shortly with Act Two.

7:13 Speaker 1: The act of pre-planning a funeral is something that most people do not want to think about. I knew a lady who not only had everything planned, but paid for in advance, right down to her own memorial service. But She was Rarity.

7:39 Speaker 2: Yes, Mrs. Scarlet. All the arrangements have been made. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Now, I hate to bring this up, but did Mr. Logan stop by? I see. No, no. I will see him very soon. Again, my deepest condolences.

8:06 Speaker 4: Um, Miss Slumber?

8:09 Speaker 2: Ah, just the person that I was hoping to see. How is everything, Mr.

8:15 Speaker 1: Logan?

8:15 Speaker 4: Um, okay, I guess.

8:20 Speaker 2: Please, have a seat and tell me how your day is going.

8:24 Speaker 4: My day? Oh, well, it's going, I suppose.

8:32 Speaker 2: Should I... tell you how my day has been progressing? Would you even be interested?

8:40 Speaker 4: Well, I guess that it's, um.

8:42 Speaker 2: It has been a most eye-opening day for me. You see, I have just been on the phone with Miss Scarlet.

8:52 Speaker 1: Oh. That.

8:54 Speaker 2: Yes, that! Would you kindly explain to me why you have not secured the property that she has signed over for me For the payment on her husband's behalf.

9:07 Speaker 4: Well, ma'am, you see, I was thinking that.

9:10 Speaker 2: Please, just stop right there. I want to remember you just like that. Thinking! What, pray tell, is there to think about?

9:28 Speaker 1: Look, Ms.

9:29 Speaker 4: Slumber, what if we.

9:30 Speaker 2: Do you have any idea... How much money is in that estate?

9:35 Speaker 5: No!

9:36 Speaker 2: Of course you don't. You're selling the stuff far below its value.

9:41 Speaker 4: Now just a damn minute.

9:44 Speaker 5: Is it my fault that the economy is so bad that I.

9:48 Speaker 4: Can only get what I can for that junk?

9:54 Speaker 2: Perhaps I need to find someone different for your position.

9:59 Speaker 1: Oh, no, no.

10:01 Speaker 5: I'll get right over to the client's place. The entire estate will be loaded and sold by this afternoon.

10:07 Speaker 4: I can assure you.

10:08 Speaker 2: See to it, then. And remember, I have already appraised the estate. So make sure... That you get a good price.

10:18 Speaker 4: Oh, yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. You can count on me.

10:24 Speaker 4: Get rid of me. Get rid of me. I could do what you do. Just you wait, Miss Slumber. Just you wait.

10:45 Speaker 3: Daniel Slumber, you've got to put a stop to this. Sale of yours. And I mean now.

10:52 Speaker 2: Why, Sheriff Ward. Whatever do you mean? Business has never been better. Why should I stop now?

11:01 Speaker 3: You sold five more coffins this week, right?

11:05 Speaker 2: Not quite sure. I'd have to check the records.

11:09 Speaker 3: Don't bother. I know that you did because five more people have died. This has got to stop.

11:16 Speaker 2: Sheriff Ward, please, sit down. You look like you could use a drink.

11:24 Speaker 3: Please, just explain to me how, after someone buys one of those cut-rate caulpins from you, they die.

11:34 Speaker 2: Oh, Sheriff, please, calm yourself. Let us analyze the situation now. Have you looked closely at the people who have departed this life?

11:49 Speaker 3: I know who they were, if that's what you mean.

11:52 Speaker 2: Ah, you know their names, correct? But did you know exactly who they were?

12:00 Speaker 3: I'm not sure what you're driving at.

12:04 Speaker 4: Mr.

12:04 Speaker 2: Jonathan Carr, age 43. My first, um, client, if you will.

12:11 Speaker 3: Died in his sleep. What of it?

12:14 Speaker 2: Were you aware that he was a rather unique drug dealer?

12:18 Speaker 3: I investigated him. He managed to have all charges dismissed.

12:24 Speaker 2: And what about Henry Stiles?

12:27 Speaker 3: Suspected of killing his wife. Never could prove it.

12:30 Speaker 2: Do you see where this is going now?

12:33 Speaker 1: Okay.

12:34 Speaker 3: So two of your clients had sketchy backgrounds. What of it?

12:40 Speaker 2: All of my clients had extremely.

12:43 Speaker 5: To.

12:43 Speaker 2: Use your words, sketchy backgrounds.

12:48 Speaker 3: What about your most recent? Mr.

12:50 Speaker 4: Scarlet.

12:52 Speaker 3: He was very well known here and extremely well liked.

12:56 Speaker 2: Do you know how he was able to maintain his fortune?

13:01 Speaker 3: I'm sure that you're going to tell me.

13:03 Speaker 2: He runs one of the largest trafficking rings in North America.

13:09 Speaker 1: Slumber?

13:10 Speaker 3: Danielle? How do you know about all this?

13:13 Speaker 2: That is a trade secret. However, I could use your help.

13:20 Speaker 3: In what way would you need my help?

13:24 Speaker 2: I am about to break a cardinal rule and show you my business. If you agree, I can assure that the rewards will be unimaginable. Well, well, well.

13:46 Speaker 3: Mr.

13:46 Speaker 2: Scotty Logan has finally decided to grace us with his presence.

13:52 Speaker 4: You shouldn't talk to me like that, Miss Slumber.

13:59 Speaker 2: You really are a stupid little man. Now, where is my money?

14:09 Speaker 5: I have something much better in mind. For you.

14:15 Speaker 2: Logan, what are you doing with that baseball bat?

14:21 Speaker 5: Oh, I thought I might just, just bash your head in. Now, now dispose of your earthly remains. I think the crematorium will do rather.

14:48 Speaker 1: Nicely. Philip Moeller once wrote, Death is the end of one story and the beginning of another. And here within our nightmare... The death of a character can only mean the beginning. I'll be back shortly with Act 3. Life asked death. Why do people like me, but hate you? Death simply replied, Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am a painful truth.

15:54 Speaker 3: Miss Slumber, are you here?

15:56 Speaker 4: Oh, hello Sheriff Ward. What can I do for you?

16:04 Speaker 3: I came to see Miss Slumber. Is she here?

16:06 Speaker 4: Well, not at the moment.

16:07 Speaker 3: I see that she finally ended her so-called sale.

16:12 Speaker 1: Yes.

16:13 Speaker 5: We felt it was no longer necessary. Confidentially, I always felt that it was in rather poor taste.

16:23 Speaker 3: I couldn't agree more. Besides, enough people die every day without her help.

16:29 Speaker 4: I'm not sure what you mean.

16:31 Speaker 1: Oh, nothing.

16:32 Speaker 3: So where is she?

16:33 Speaker 5: Who?

16:34 Speaker 3: Miss Slumber, who do you think I was talking about? I have some business to discuss with her.

16:43 Speaker 4: Oh, well, she is no longer with the company.

16:47 Speaker 3: What do you mean, no longer with the company?

16:51 Speaker 5: Look, all that I can tell you is that she packed a suitcase, handed me the business, and simply left.

16:58 Speaker 3: Hmm, doesn't sound like her at all.

17:02 Speaker 1: Oh, well.

17:03 Speaker 5: We had talked about me taking over the funeral home. I suppose that she just needed a change of scene.

17:13 Speaker 3: That just doesn't sound right. Now, why didn't she say anything to me?

17:18 Speaker 5: Now, why should she discuss her business with you?

17:23 Speaker 3: So, you know all about what has been going on here.

17:27 Speaker 4: Well, of course I do. Why would she hand everything over to me if I I didn't know all about it.

17:33 Speaker 1: I don't know.

17:36 Speaker 3: Seems to me that you were acting a little nervous about something. Mind telling me what you do know about the funeral home?

17:46 Speaker 5: Look, Sheriff Ward, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work to catch up on. She left so many files and reports that I just don't see where I'm going to have the time to.

17:58 Speaker 3: I just don't understand why she would take me into her trust and not say a damn thing about you.

18:09 Speaker 2: Because, Sheriff Ward, he is a more lousy killer than he is an employee.

18:16 Speaker 4: Miss Summer? What the.

18:20 Speaker 6: How did you.

18:23 Speaker 2: Why am I still alive? Oh, you pitiful idiot. You have no idea what goes on here.

18:34 Speaker 3: I'm glad to see you're all right, Danielle. For a minute, I thought our deal had been canceled.

18:44 Speaker 2: Perish the thought, Sheriff. I told you last night I often recruit the local law enforcement to help me in my... collections....

18:55 Speaker 4: What are you talking about? Look, Sheriff, I can explain.

18:58 Speaker 3: I don't think any explanation is necessary. I'll be leaving now. Danielle, are you sure that you don't want any help with Mr. Logan?

19:11 Speaker 2: This little man? I should have no trouble whatsoever.

19:15 Speaker 4: I killed you. I bashed your brains in. I burned you in the crematorium. What are you?

19:28 Speaker 2: Aw, Mr. Logan. You greedy little man. Don't you know that greed is one of the seven deadly sins? Not to mention murder.

19:44 Speaker 1: Wait, wait.

19:46 Speaker 4: But you... I mean... You're greedy. as well.

19:51 Speaker 2: I had to cut costs to keep this place going. But you.

19:55 Speaker 4: What, what are you?

19:59 Speaker 2: I'm simply a businesswoman, Mr. Logan, that you tried to murder.

20:05 Speaker 5: Huh?

20:06 Speaker 4: Hey, what?

20:10 Speaker 1: Going on?

20:12 Speaker 4: I can't move.

20:17 Speaker 2: This is one of our second-hand coffins.

20:19 Speaker 4: What are you doing?

20:20 Speaker 2: I think that you will fit in quite nicely. No. Cozy, Mr. Logan?

20:31 Speaker 4: I can't stop myself.

20:34 Speaker 1: Please.

20:35 Speaker 4: No. Let me out. Let me out.

20:44 Speaker 2: And now, onto the conveyor belt, which will slide the coffin into the oven.

20:52 Speaker 1: You see, Mr.

20:53 Speaker 2: Logan, you tried, but you cannot.

20:57 Speaker 4: Burn.

21:09 Speaker 1: A demon?

21:10 Speaker 6: You silly, greedy, human!

21:33 Speaker 1: Danielle slumber watches as the flames consume the coffin. She smiles at the screams of the man inside and wonders where will she find a new employee? I'll be back with a final word. Socrates was quoted as saying, Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. It is the fear in all of us of that unknown land that we will perhaps venture into after we are gone.

22:29 Speaker 1: Our cast included Crimson McKenzie, William Stafford, and Winslow Swan. The story was edited by Crimson McKenzie and directed by Winslow Swan. And now, a preview of our next tale.

22:47 Speaker 6: We have eyewitness descriptions of you, Mr.

22:50 Speaker 1: Zimmerman.

22:51 Speaker 6: We have video surveillance of you shooting your wife.

22:55 Speaker 2: Detective, you have to understand... Yes, I admit it. I shot her. But she was no longer my wife.

23:02 Speaker 6: And that makes it okay? When did you get divorced?

23:06 Speaker 2: No, we never got a divorce.

23:08 Speaker 6: So you murdered your wife in cold blood?

23:11 Speaker 2: That's what I'm trying to tell you.

23:13 Speaker 6: She was no longer my wife.

23:15 Speaker 2: She was no longer.

23:17 Speaker 1: human. This is your host, Artemis Black, inviting you to return with us through the doorway to nightmare for another adventure into the world of your terrifying imagination. Until next time, slumber peacefully. Epilogue. The butler did it.