The Wrong House to Haunt! Spooky Meets Sitcom "Haunting Is Hard"

0:01 Speaker 1: When you sleep, you enter into another world. Beyond that world lies the doorway to nightmare. Come in. Welcome. I'm your host through the doorway to nightmare. Before we begin, I have a question for you. Do you believe in ghosts? No? No? Ah, well, then our story will not bother you. However, for Stan Peters, a ghost is exactly what has caused him so much trouble.

1:08 Speaker 2: I'm telling you, I'm the one that is supposed to be here, not you.

1:11 Speaker 3: Now, just a minute. This is my home, do you understand? My wife and I just signed the mortgage yesterday, and as you can see, we have a lot of unpacking to do.

1:21 Speaker 2: I don't know what to tell you. I was assigned this address, and once I'm here, well, I can't leave.

1:29 Speaker 3: What kind of a nut are you?

1:32 Speaker 2: A tough one to crack. Oh, I'm sorry. But there is no choice in this matter. The head office had given me orders. I am now the resident ghost.

1:50 Speaker 1: Our mystery drama, Haunting is Hard, was written especially for Doorway to Nightmare by Winslow Swan and stars William Stafford. It is sponsored in part by Swanage Press. I'll be back shortly with Act One. Stan Peters is in the prime of his life. He is married to a beautiful woman, Dorothy, whom he affectionately refers to as Dot. He is employed in his chosen field of engineering by a reputable firm and will soon be named as a partner. Everything is going well for Stan Peters until an unexpected guest arrives.

2:51 Speaker 3: Please tell me this is the last one.

2:53 Speaker 4: I promise. No more boxes.

2:57 Speaker 3: Thank heavens above. Come here, beautiful.

3:02 Speaker 4: Hello, husband.

3:04 Speaker 3: Hello, wife. Oh my, that was quite nice.

3:10 Speaker 4: Only nice.

3:12 Speaker 3: Oh, much more than nice.

3:13 Speaker 4: Then I will have to do better.

3:19 Speaker 2: There.

3:20 Speaker 4: How was that?

3:21 Speaker 3: I could do that for the next three days.

3:23 Speaker 4: Not if you want anything to eat.

3:26 Speaker 3: Oh, I'm sure that I could live off of those kisses for a long time. What is it, Dot?

3:33 Speaker 4: I don't know. Do you really think that we can afford a 30-year mortgage?

3:39 Speaker 3: Oh, honey, I told you things are going great. Look, we have already put enough money aside. take care of at least five years worth of payments if anything happened.

3:50 Speaker 2: I know but but nothing i wouldn't.

3:53 Speaker 3: Have signed the papers if i didn't think that we could swing this you have the house that you always wanted so quit trying to rain on this parade.

4:03 Speaker 4: You're right i should be thankful that the electric and water are turned on and that my darling husband loves me so much that's my girl now What do you want for dinner?

4:15 Speaker 3: I haven't the foggiest idea.

4:19 Speaker 4: Well, since everything is still packed, why don't I just run down and pick us something up? Chinese, perhaps?

4:26 Speaker 3: Sounds delicious. Want me to ride with you?

4:30 Speaker 4: I want you to sit there and relax. You did enough lifting all those boxes and bringing them inside. Besides... More kisses await you if you don't fall asleep.

4:42 Speaker 3: I shall be well rested when you return. Oh, Dorothy and I were happy. Everything was going so well that neither of us dreamed of any catastrophe happening until the doorbell. And I was introduced to Freddie Washington Davis. Yes?

5:11 Speaker 2: Oh, my. Is this 134 Willow Lane?

5:15 Speaker 3: Yes, it is. What can I do for you?

5:20 Speaker 2: Well, then what are you doing here?

5:22 Speaker 3: What am I doing here? I live here. Well, we'll be living here. Now, what can I do for you?

5:30 Speaker 2: Oh, my. Well, there's something very, very wrong.

5:36 Speaker 3: Have you lost your way?

5:38 Speaker 1: Well.

5:39 Speaker 2: No, if this is 134 Willow Lane.

5:42 Speaker 3: It is.

5:44 Speaker 2: And we are in Hutchings Corners? You are. Well, there seems to be some mistake. You shouldn't be here.

5:52 Speaker 3: I have a distinct impression that I am here. This is my house.

5:58 Speaker 2: Well, there is some mistake.

6:00 Speaker 3: What exactly are you selling? Selling?

6:03 Speaker 4: Me?

6:04 Speaker 2: Oh, no, I'm not selling anything.

6:06 Speaker 3: And do you need directions?

6:08 Speaker 2: Oh, here, let me introduce myself. I'm Frederick Washington Davis. Very pleased to meet you. No, you don't understand. You shouldn't be able to meet me. You shouldn't be able to see me.

6:19 Speaker 3: Well, I do see you. And I have met you. And now I shall say goodbye.

6:25 Speaker 2: But you can't say goodbye. I mean, not just like that.

6:29 Speaker 3: Sure I can. It's very simple. I simply close the door and you go away. There we go. What a nutcase.

6:40 Speaker 2: It's not that simple.

6:42 Speaker 3: Hey, how did you get in here?

6:44 Speaker 2: I told you.

6:45 Speaker 3: All that you've told me is that your name is Washington Carver Jones.

6:51 Speaker 2: Frederick Washington Davis.

6:52 Speaker 3: Whatever.

6:54 Speaker 2: My friends called me Freddy.

6:55 Speaker 3: Nice for them.

6:57 Speaker 2: You can call me just plain Fred.

6:58 Speaker 3: I don't want to call you anything.

7:00 Speaker 2: I want you to get out of my house. Well, sir, you see, that's the problem. I can't... can't get out of your house. Or rather, this house. Oh, it's all so confusing.

7:11 Speaker 3: Then why don't you explain it very slowly?

7:15 Speaker 2: It isn't that easy to explain.

7:19 Speaker 3: Try.

7:20 Speaker 2: Well, you see, sir, my name is Frederick Washington Davis.

7:25 Speaker 3: Let's skip that part.

7:27 Speaker 2: Well, you see, I died a long time ago.

7:31 Speaker 3: I beg your pardon?

7:33 Speaker 2: I died. Well, Actually, I was murdered by my wife.

7:38 Speaker 3: You really need to get some help.

7:40 Speaker 2: Well, that's why I'm here. I needed to get some help, and so they sent me here.

7:44 Speaker 3: I'm not a psychiatrist.

7:46 Speaker 2: Oh, no, not that kind of help. You see, where I was before, well, the house was old and falling down, and the roof leaked, so I put in for a transfer.

7:57 Speaker 3: A transfer?

7:58 Speaker 2: Yes, to a new location. Of course, it does take some time for these things.

8:04 Speaker 1: Time?

8:05 Speaker 2: Well, with all the paperwork, you know, it took almost 75 years for my transfer to go through. So they sent me here.

8:13 Speaker 3: I don't believe this.

8:15 Speaker 2: Well, sir, you had better believe it. I am now your resident ghost.

8:26 Speaker 1: Have you ever had one of those guests? You know the kind I mean. The ones that you have invited into your home and then cannot bring yourself to ask them to leave. Stan has an uninvited guest in the form of an ethereal creature. We shall see how he handles the situation when I return in Act Two. What are these so withered and so wild in their attire that look not like the inhabitants of the earth and yet are not? Or so says the poet. However, the ghost that stands before Stan Peters is neither withered Or wild.

9:28 Speaker 3: So you're telling me that you're dead?

9:32 Speaker 2: Exactly.

9:33 Speaker 3: And before you were murdered by your wife? I'm afraid so. And now you're here to haunt my house. Well, that seems to be what the front office ordered. But that's not how it works. You're supposed to be in heaven. Or the other place.

9:51 Speaker 2: No, no, you're right. But I was doomed.

9:55 Speaker 1: To walk the earth.

9:56 Speaker 3: How come?

9:57 Speaker 2: Well, it's a little embarrassing.

10:01 Speaker 3: I won't breathe a word.

10:02 Speaker 2: Well, the reason that my wife killed me was that, well, she discovered something.

10:10 Speaker 3: Discovered what?

10:13 Speaker 2: Well, you see, her sister and I... Stop.

10:17 Speaker 3: I get the picture.

10:19 Speaker 2: So you see, even though I was killed by her, which should have put me in first class, I was not the best husband.

10:26 Speaker 3: So why my house?

10:29 Speaker 2: I told you I was in this rat-infested, crumbling-down old mansion in Kentucky. I needed to get away from there, so I put in for a transfer, and, well, here I am.

10:41 Speaker 3: This has got to be some kind of a joke.

10:44 Speaker 2: Oh, no, no joke. I really am a ghost.

10:47 Speaker 3: Prove it. Aha, you see, I can see you. I thought ghosts only appeared as smoke or shadows or something.

10:55 Speaker 2: That's what's got me puzzled. How are you able to see me? You weren't involved in any accident where you hit your head, were you?

11:05 Speaker 3: Not that I'm aware of.

11:06 Speaker 2: You see, some people, after having a traumatic head injury, are more attuned to the spirit world.

11:11 Speaker 3: Yes, but I'm not one of them. True.

11:15 Speaker 2: Okay, how about a ghostly demonstration?

11:18 Speaker 3: Like what?

11:19 Speaker 2: Well, it has been a long time since I did anything like this. You mind if I sit down?

11:25 Speaker 3: Please do.

11:26 Speaker 2: There we go. Now, let's see. What to start with? Oh, oh, I know, I know. How about a creaking door opening? Now, give me just a second.

11:44 Speaker 3: Didn't sound like a door to me.

11:45 Speaker 2: No, that was the chains.

11:49 Speaker 3: Oh, okay, okay.

11:49 Speaker 2: You know, in every ghost story, there is always a howling dog somewhere. Let me give that one a go.

12:00 Speaker 3: That's one strange dog.

12:02 Speaker 2: No, no, that's not right either. I told you it's been a long time.

12:07 Speaker 3: Pick one you think you can do.

12:09 Speaker 2: Oh, I have a great one. The fatal warning. You know, where I use a spooky voice to warn people away.

12:23 Speaker 3: You've convinced me.

12:25 Speaker 1: You're a ghost.

12:27 Speaker 3: But you still haven't told me what you were doing here.

12:29 Speaker 2: I just found the orders. They were in my back pocket. I usually keep important papers in my coat pocket, but I must have slipped them back there when I got them.

12:38 Speaker 3: Let me see those.

12:40 Speaker 2: There, you see? Herein so ordered that one spirit that went by the name Frederick Washington Davis, that's me, will take up residency at 134 Willow Drive effective immediately.

12:53 Speaker 3: You made a mistake.

12:55 Speaker 2: No, no, this is 134, isn't it?

12:59 Speaker 3: Yes.

13:00 Speaker 2: And this street is Willow Drive?

13:02 Speaker 3: No, this is Willow Lane.

13:05 Speaker 2: Oh, no, it can't be.

13:07 Speaker 3: No, wait. There is a new house. That was built at the same time with the same number, but it's on Willow Drive. I knew it. I knew that there had to be a mistake.

13:19 Speaker 2: Well, what does that house look like?

13:22 Speaker 3: Oh, well, it's sort of burned down.

13:25 Speaker 2: Burned down?

13:27 Speaker 3: Yes, just last week. A couple of kids were inside when they set the place on fire.

13:33 Speaker 2: Well, now what am I going to do?

13:41 Speaker 1: It seems our friendly but absent-minded ghost has a bit of a problem. Stan Peters also has a problem. He's thinking about what his wife will say when she returns home. I will return with Act 3 shortly. Stan Peters, new homeowner, is currently sitting with his resident ghost, who finds that he is at the wrong residence. As Emily Dickinson once said, one need not be a chamber to be haunted. Now listen, you've got to get out of here.

14:44 Speaker 2: I just don't understand how I could have made such a mistake.

14:48 Speaker 3: My wife is home, and if she finds.

14:50 Speaker 1: You, you... I hope you don't mind pizza.

14:52 Speaker 4: The Chinese place was going to take over an hour. Oh, who's this?

14:57 Speaker 3: You mean you can see him?

15:00 Speaker 4: Of course I can see him, silly. Who is he?

15:04 Speaker 2: She can see me too?

15:05 Speaker 4: I'm Dorothy Peters, Stan's wife. How do you do?

15:09 Speaker 2: Something is very wrong. She can see me.

15:13 Speaker 3: I know she can see you.

15:14 Speaker 2: I mean, first you, now her.

15:16 Speaker 4: Okay, guys, what's going on? Is this another one of your practical jokes, Stanley? Because if it is, no more kisses tonight.

15:25 Speaker 3: I only wish I knew.

15:27 Speaker 4: All right, both of you, sit down and tell me what's going on in my own house. Stan! You believe him?

15:43 Speaker 3: Well, he did try to prove that he was a ghost.

15:47 Speaker 4: Then prove it to me.

15:49 Speaker 2: I'm not sure that I can.

15:52 Speaker 3: Go on, Fred. You might as well try again. Okay, here it goes. First a creaking door.

15:59 Speaker 2: Woohoo!

16:05 Speaker 3: That's the dog howling.

16:07 Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, right. Okay, rattling chains.

16:17 Speaker 3: You goofed again.

16:19 Speaker 4: Stop it! Both of you! Just stop it! Now, sir, I don't know who you are, but I think that you had better get out of my house immediately.

16:29 Speaker 2: Wait, there is one other thing I could try.

16:31 Speaker 1: What?

16:32 Speaker 3: Well.

16:34 Speaker 2: This.

16:39 Speaker 4: Stan? Stan, he's disappearing. He's disappeared.

16:46 Speaker 3: Now look what you did.

16:47 Speaker 4: I'm all right.

16:54 Speaker 3: Honey, are you sure? I'm fine.

16:57 Speaker 2: I'm really sorry about that, Mrs. Peters. I forgot that I could do that until, well, just now.

17:04 Speaker 4: It's all right, Fred. You just startled me, that's all.

17:07 Speaker 2: I really do apologize.

17:09 Speaker 3: Now look, you. For the last time, go where it is you belong.

17:13 Speaker 4: Now wait, Stanley. We can't just throw him out, can we?

17:18 Speaker 3: Have you lost your mind?

17:20 Speaker 4: No, I don't think so. Um, but think about it. Poor Fred here only has a burned out shell of a house to go to. And we have this brand new house.

17:33 Speaker 3: And you really want to live with a ghost?

17:35 Speaker 4: Why not? Just think of how much fun it'll be on Halloween.

17:46 Speaker 1: And it was. Frederick Washington Davis has now been the resident ghost of Stan and Dorothy Peters for over 10 years now. The neighbors will sometimes complain about the rattling chains and the howling dogs where no dogs are present, but even they have learned to accept it. Especially when Halloween comes around. You come around as well, shortly. we hope that our version of a ghost story did not frighten you as a matter of fact we hope that you invited some ghosts to join you in this little adventure of course I'm kidding there really are no such things as ghosts just ask.

18:53 Speaker 2: Fred Of course there isn't. The whole idea is ridiculous.

19:01 Speaker 1: You see? Our cast included William Stafford, Crimson McKenzie, and Raymond Gibson. The entire production was under the direction of Winslow Swan. Doorway to Nightmare is sponsored in part by Swanage Press. This is your host inviting you to return with us through the doorway to nightmare for another adventure into the world of your terrifying imagination. Until next time, slumber peacefully.

19:41 Speaker 3: Epilogue.

19:43 Speaker 1: The butler did it.