Suburban Hauntings and Unwanted Ghosts: A Funny Afterlife Story "Haunting Has To Host"

0:00 Speaker 1: Hey guys, this is Crimson.

0:02 Speaker 2: And this is Swan.

0:03 Speaker 1: Season 3 is here.

0:05 Speaker 2: And we'd love to know what you think of the stories.

0:08 Speaker 1: Even if it's bad.

0:09 Speaker 2: So leave us a comment.

0:11 Speaker 1: Or give us a thumbs up.

0:12 Speaker 2: Thank you!

0:27 Speaker 3: With this key, you unlock the world to your dreams. What lies beyond could be the doorway to nightmare. Come in. Welcome. I'm your host through the doorway to nightmare. Do you live in a haunted house? Have you seen something that you cannot explain? Shadows lurking in the darkness. Unexplained noises.

1:25 Speaker 1: Okay, Fred. Is there anything that you would like to tell us?

1:29 Speaker 2: Well, you see, the rules clearly state.

1:33 Speaker 4: Enough with the rules. Just tell us what happened.

1:36 Speaker 2: Okay, please don't be angry with me.

1:39 Speaker 5: Fred!

1:40 Speaker 2: The party wasn't my idea, I swear.

1:44 Speaker 5: Idea or not, those ghost hunting people are going to be here with their stupid cameras soon.

1:49 Speaker 1: Stan, what are we going to do?

1:56 Speaker 3: Our mystery drama, Haunting Has to Host, was written especially for Doorway to Nightmare by Winslow Swan and edited by Crimson McKenzie. Our cast includes William Stafford and Crimson McKenzie. It is sponsored in part by Swanage Press. I'll be back shortly with Act One. Stan and Dorothy Peters welcomed Frederick Washington Davis into their home some time ago. Oh, did I happen to mention that Fred is a ghost?

2:52 Speaker 2: Is there anything that I could help you with, Stan?

2:55 Speaker 4: No thanks, Fred.

2:56 Speaker 3: I'm good.

2:57 Speaker 4: Just finishing up painting in the living room. I hope Dot likes this color.

3:02 Speaker 2: Does this make the second or third time you have changed the color?

3:08 Speaker 3: Fourth.

3:09 Speaker 6: Oh, Stan!

3:11 Speaker 2: This is perfect!

3:13 Speaker 6: Thank you so much!

3:15 Speaker 4: Anything for my beautiful wife.

3:19 Speaker 2: Oh, you two make a great couple. I wish my wife and I.

3:23 Speaker 1: Please, Fred. Don't even talk about that.

3:27 Speaker 7: That.

3:29 Speaker 1: Well, never mind. We already had one incident with her. Let's not do that again.

3:35 Speaker 4: Hear, hear.

3:38 Speaker 2: Stan? Fred!

3:41 Speaker 1: What's that mist in the corner?

3:43 Speaker 4: I don't know.

3:44 Speaker 2: I don't know... Uh-oh.

3:48 Speaker 6: What?

3:51 Speaker 2: Hello, everybody!

3:53 Speaker 3: Hey! Oh, where?

3:57 Speaker 8: Oh, where has my little ghost gone?

4:02 Speaker 2: Drew! Is that you? Hiya, Freddy! Oh, pal!

4:08 Speaker 4: Oh, kiddo!

4:09 Speaker 2: So-and-so!

4:12 Speaker 8: Say, you got some really nice digs.

4:17 Speaker 1: Fred, who is this?

4:19 Speaker 3: Oh, me, Freddy.

4:22 Speaker 8: I am Archibald Drew Stanwick of the Southampton Stanwick.

4:35 Speaker 2: League of Virginia.

4:37 Speaker 8: And who might you be, you delicious-looking hunk of free mail?

4:46 Speaker 4: Hey, that's my wife.

4:49 Speaker 3: Oh, pardon me.

4:51 Speaker 6: I didn't... Did not mean to offend.

4:53 Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Dorothy. This is Stan, my husband. This is our house. Now we know who you are. So tell us what you're doing here.

5:04 Speaker 8: Oh, you know, just visiting my good old friend, Freddy.

5:09 Speaker 3: Hey, Freddy, you really gotta be. Oh, Drew, please.

5:12 Speaker 4: Oh, Freddy.

5:20 Speaker 1: Why don't we go and have a discussion in the kitchen?

5:29 Speaker 4: Would you care to explain the presence of whatever that is out there?

5:35 Speaker 2: Well, he is sort of a friend.

5:39 Speaker 1: What do you mean by sort of a friend?

5:41 Speaker 2: Well, he did stay with me in the last house I was at. He's what you might call a roving spirit.

5:49 Speaker 1: You mean like a homeless person?

5:51 Speaker 2: Well, sort of. From what he told me, he was hitchhiking across the country when he was hit by a truck. That's why he doesn't look all that presentable.

6:02 Speaker 4: He could certainly use a makeover.

6:05 Speaker 2: Okay, I get it.

6:06 Speaker 1: So why is he here?

6:08 Speaker 2: Well, you see, there is an article in the paperwork that states I have to host... any ghost, spirit, boogeyman, werewolf, vampire, or entity when they decide to visit or need a place to stay. It only applies to the roving ones.

6:29 Speaker 1: Wait a minute. You mean he can stay here?

6:32 Speaker 4: Who made up these rules?

6:34 Speaker 2: Oh, well, it all comes from the head office.

6:37 Speaker 1: Okay, so he is just visiting, yes?

6:39 Speaker 2: Oh, yes, just visiting.

6:41 Speaker 4: Thank goodness for that.

6:42 Speaker 2: Of Of course, his last visit was three years.

6:48 Speaker 1: As in three years ago?

6:50 Speaker 2: No, as in he stayed for three years.

6:55 Speaker 4: There is no way that he is going to stay in this house for the next three years.

7:13 Speaker 8: Oh, hey, hey, hey, Freddy. Tell Stan that he has good-tasted scut.

7:25 Speaker 3: Scut. Scotish.

7:27 Speaker 4: My scut.

7:29 Speaker 3: Fred.

7:30 Speaker 2: Oh, I'll take care of it, Stan.

7:32 Speaker 8: Oh, and sorry about the stain on the wall. Sometimes my ectoplasm It gets a little.

7:45 Speaker 6: thiii- My.

7:46 Speaker 2: Newest, newest paint!

7:48 Speaker 3: FRED!

7:49 Speaker 2: N-n-n- I'll take care of it, Dorothy.

7:51 Speaker 8: Hey, you guys are really great at.

7:54 Speaker 3: Letting me stay.

7:55 Speaker 5: You.

7:56 Speaker 6: Are.

7:56 Speaker 3: Not. Staying.

7:58 Speaker 4: Hey, Fred.

7:59 Speaker 8: Did you explain the rules to your humans?

8:02 Speaker 2: My hands are kind of tied, Stan.

8:05 Speaker 8: Besides, there are a lot of worse things than me that could show up.

8:10 Speaker 3: Now, Now, some of those werewolves.

8:13 Speaker 2: Ooh, brother.

8:15 Speaker 1: I want you out of my house tonight.

8:18 Speaker 4: Oh, come on.

8:19 Speaker 2: I just need a place for the night.

8:22 Speaker 8: I'm working my way down to Florida.

8:25 Speaker 2: Hey, Freddy, you remember Florabelle? You are heading towards her when you're a lot braver than I am.

8:32 Speaker 8: Yeah, she's haunting a place on the outskirts of Miami.

8:38 Speaker 3: Oh, and let me turn on the computer.

8:40 Speaker 2: There's... There's a show starting soon on.

8:45 Speaker 8: Yeah, on the website with the play button and such.

8:51 Speaker 3: That website.

8:53 Speaker 2: YouTube.

8:53 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it.

8:54 Speaker 2: YouTube.

8:55 Speaker 4: Now what would a ghost want with YouTube?

8:58 Speaker 2: To watch it, stupid. Hey!

9:01 Speaker 8: No offense, my favorite show is coming.

9:07 Speaker 3: When you sleep, you enter into another world. Beyond that world lies the doorway to nightmare.

9:30 Speaker 8: Oh wow, doorway to nightmare. That's a heck of a program.

9:33 Speaker 2: Turn it off! Now!

9:35 Speaker 6: But it's a new story!

9:38 Speaker 8: Don't you like horror stories?

9:41 Speaker 1: I do like them, but not while two ghosts are in the same room with me.

9:45 Speaker 2: Okay, I'll shut it off. Wow, Freddy, she even scares me. One night, Dorsey, please.

9:55 Speaker 1: It's against my better judgment, but all right.

9:59 Speaker 6: Boo!

10:00 Speaker 1: Only one night! Stan, we are going out to eat.

10:05 Speaker 2: Alone.

10:05 Speaker 4: That was a great dinner.

10:13 Speaker 5: I would have settled for Burger Barn as long as we were away from Drew. I wonder if he stays drunk all the time. And how does a ghost even stay drunk?

10:23 Speaker 4: I don't know. But he better stay away from the brandy that I've been saving.

10:39 Speaker 2: Stan?

10:41 Speaker 1: Is that coming from our house?

10:43 Speaker 4: Sounds like a party.

10:45 Speaker 1: You don't think.

10:52 Speaker 6: Stan! Doc!

10:54 Speaker 2: Fred!

10:55 Speaker 1: What is going on?

10:56 Speaker 2: I swear I had nothing to do with this.

10:59 Speaker 6: Hey, guys.

11:01 Speaker 8: Come on in. The owners went to dinner. Sorry, no brandy, but plenty of vodka.

11:07 Speaker 6: Have a great time.

11:09 Speaker 4: My paint job? Oh, Fred, you only knew what I was thinking.

11:15 Speaker 2: I guess you guys are a little angry.

11:17 Speaker 1: Leave me, Frederick Washington Davis. You have yet to see me angry.

11:29 Speaker 3: The author Sue Grafton once wrote about a character who did not believe in ghosts. Her answer was that some people do not see the color red. It doesn't mean that it does not exist. I will see you when I return with Act Two. John Malkovich once said that the ghosts that you chase, you never catch. Stan and Dorothy Peters did not have to chase the ghosts that have invaded their home.

12:24 Speaker 4: What a mess.

12:26 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm trying to clean it up.

12:32 Speaker 1: What was that?

12:34 Speaker 2: That is known as a ghost with a massive hangover. Gee, I sure hope that his head doesn't hurt.

12:46 Speaker 6: Aww.

12:46 Speaker 1: Poor Drew. And just look at my living room walls!

12:55 Speaker 2: Oh, knock it off, Drew!

12:59 Speaker 3: Hello? No.

13:03 Speaker 4: It was just a party. No, you can't come over. No, you do not have my permission to.

13:13 Speaker 1: Stan, who was that?

13:15 Speaker 4: Someone that I was really hoping would never come over again.

13:19 Speaker 2: Not my wife again?

13:21 Speaker 4: No, someone much worse.

13:28 Speaker 1: Oh, hello, Mr. Carson. To what do we owe the pleasure?

13:33 Speaker 9: Millie drove me over here.

13:34 Speaker 1: Well, where is she?

13:36 Speaker 9: She's talking to your neighbor. Nellie, Ellie, Shelly, I'm not sure. She said she'd be right back.

13:43 Speaker 7: I told you the last time that I felt a ghostly presence here.

13:47 Speaker 3: Mr.

13:47 Speaker 1: Carson, Mrs. Carson, please do come in. And away from our other neighbors.

13:53 Speaker 9: Stan, I'm sorry about this.

13:56 Speaker 4: I would offer you a drink, but.

13:57 Speaker 3: That's okay, Stan.

13:59 Speaker 9: Millie, why are we here?

14:01 Speaker 2: Mrs.

14:02 Speaker 7: Johnson across the street happens to eat at the same restaurant that I do. Today at lunch... She described the strangest party that took place in this house last night.

14:14 Speaker 4: Oh, well, yes. We did have a bit of a small party last night.

14:19 Speaker 7: She said that when she looked over here, there were strange lights going on and off and weird noises. There were things floating in the air.

14:30 Speaker 1: Balloons? I mean balloons. We were only celebrating.

14:34 Speaker 7: Balloons shaped like furniture and lamps?

14:37 Speaker 5: Yes.

14:37 Speaker 1: Oh, we bought the fun balloons.

14:39 Speaker 6: Oh, no.

14:41 Speaker 2: Not her again.

14:42 Speaker 3: Hey, Freddy. Who is this?

14:47 Speaker 2: It's Stan's boss's wife, Mrs. Carson. They came for dinner one time and she swore the place was haunted.

14:55 Speaker 6: Um, isn't it?

14:56 Speaker 2: Well, we convinced her otherwise.

14:59 Speaker 3: Oh, I see. I think.

15:01 Speaker 7: After hearing about this... Millie... What did you do? I called an expert in these things. That's what.

15:10 Speaker 6: Oh, no.

15:11 Speaker 9: Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did.

15:14 Speaker 1: Mr. Carson, what are you thinking?

15:17 Speaker 9: Millie started watching Ghostwatch on TV. They investigate hauntings.

15:22 Speaker 2: Yeah, them and about a thousand others. You know, they really give us ghosts a bad name.

15:28 Speaker 6: I'm getting a little nervous.

15:30 Speaker 7: I called the producers of the show. They were delighted.

15:35 Speaker 6: Uh-oh.

15:36 Speaker 7: They should be here tonight. Cameras, equipment, the whole thing. Isn't this exciting?

15:43 Speaker 6: Fred, why are.

15:55 Speaker 4: We meeting in the bathroom?

15:57 Speaker 2: Um, the most private place in the house.

15:59 Speaker 1: Well, it's supposed to be.

16:00 Speaker 4: Where's Drew?

16:02 Speaker 2: Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you guys. You see, we may have a small problem.

16:09 Speaker 5: Now what?

16:10 Speaker 2: Well, Drew reminded me of another rule.

16:12 Speaker 4: I am sick of all these rules.

16:16 Speaker 2: Oh, you're going to be even sicker.

16:18 Speaker 1: Just tell us what's going on. And where is Drew?

16:22 Speaker 2: Probably on his way to Miami.

16:24 Speaker 4: At least he's gone now.

16:25 Speaker 2: Yes, but you see, I'm still here.

16:27 Speaker 1: But you've always been here. So what's the problem?

16:30 Speaker 2: According to the rules, a ghost, while still on the ethereal plane, can't be proven to be a ghost.

16:39 Speaker 4: I don't understand.

16:40 Speaker 2: Well, it's okay if some people see us. You know, like you guys. But we can't appear before the entire world. Especially on some TV show.

16:51 Speaker 1: Okay, so what if it does happen? I mean, they have video of other ghosts, right?

16:56 Speaker 2: And you never see them again. They get banished.

17:01 Speaker 5: To where?

17:01 Speaker 2: I really don't want to find out.

17:04 Speaker 1: Okay, Fred. What do we do now?

17:07 Speaker 2: I don't have the slightest idea.

17:16 Speaker 3: It seems that our resident ghost has a bit of a problem. Perhaps a solution will present itself when I return with Act Three. Stan's employer, Jack Carson, and his wife, Millie, came to the Peters' home at the insistence of Millie, courtesy of the nosy next-door neighbor that has validated the Millie's Haunting Theory.

18:01 Speaker 9: Millie, Stan's home is no more haunted than our own.

18:05 Speaker 7: Explain the basement door that opens on its own all the time.

18:09 Speaker 9: Loose fittings, which I have since fixed.

18:13 Speaker 7: What about the light in the bathroom that always shuts off when I take a shower?

18:18 Speaker 9: I would call it good taste on the ghost's part, but it was just a loose bulb.

18:23 Speaker 7: Jack, I know that their house is haunted. And I intend to prove it.

18:35 Speaker 5: Okay, so, Fred, let me make sure that I have this correct. You told us that we're the only ones who can see you because you're part of the household.

18:44 Speaker 2: That's right.

18:46 Speaker 5: And the only thing that other people can hear are your ghostly tricks. Yeah, so how do the neighbors hear and see... The other ghosts are in the party.

18:56 Speaker 2: Well, you see, if a spirit comes around, they're not part of the household.

19:00 Speaker 4: Which means that anyone who happened to look over here could see what was going on.

19:06 Speaker 2: Exactly.

19:06 Speaker 1: And that puts you, Fred, at risk.

19:09 Speaker 2: Oh, very much so. Oh, Dorothy, what am I going to do?

19:15 Speaker 5: You are going to do what you do best. Stan, go to the basement and dig out that.

19:22 Speaker 2: Old tape recorder.

19:23 Speaker 4: And do what with it?

19:25 Speaker 2: Hide it.

19:25 Speaker 1: Oh, and get some of that fishing line. Fred, do you think you could string some around, say, the lamp and the table?

19:32 Speaker 2: What are you planning?

19:34 Speaker 4: Nightmares, Fred.

19:35 Speaker 6: Nightmares!

19:38 Speaker 1: We're going to show them a real haunted house!

19:50 Speaker 2: Hello, Mrs.

19:51 Speaker 7: Peters. This is Chad Shepard. He's the producer and star of The Ghost Watch.

19:58 Speaker 10: Very pleased to meet you.

19:59 Speaker 1: The pleasure is all yours.

20:02 Speaker 10: And you're right, Mrs.

20:03 Speaker 3: Carson.

20:04 Speaker 10: I can feel the spirits here. I'm going to get the camera set up and all the other equipment.

20:09 Speaker 4: Now, just a minute. I didn't agree to.

20:13 Speaker 1: It's okay, Stan. I'm sure that Chad will get everything that he needs.

20:24 Speaker 7: Should we turn the lights out?

20:26 Speaker 10: Yes, the cameras have infrared lenses. We have everything tied into these monitors. We can see every inch of the house from right here.

20:34 Speaker 6: Mmm....

20:40 Speaker 7: Did you hear that?

20:42 Speaker 2: I sure did.

20:43 Speaker 7: Oh, look at that.

20:44 Speaker 3: That lamp.

20:45 Speaker 10: It's floating in the air.

20:46 Speaker 7: Have you ever had anything like this happen before?

20:50 Speaker 10: Well, once in England I investigated a thing.

21:01 Speaker 7: Look, the table. It's floating too.

21:04 Speaker 1: Oh, that happens all the time.

21:11 Speaker 7: What was that awful screech?

21:14 Speaker 1: A banshee. Does it all the time. Sometimes Stan and I go to sleep hearing it. Don't you find it soothing?

21:21 Speaker 9: This is fantastic.

21:23 Speaker 4: You should be here when things really get going.

21:27 Speaker 10: I think you guys have got a genuine poltergeist. This will be the highest rated show ever.

21:32 Speaker 7: Wait a second. Look at that.

21:36 Speaker 2: What is it, Mrs.

21:36 Speaker 3: Carson?

21:37 Speaker 7: On the lamp. Is that.

21:39 Speaker 10: Hey, wait a minute. That looks like.

21:43 Speaker 2: is that.

21:45 Speaker 10: fishing line? You could have done a better job of hiding the tape player.

21:52 Speaker 6: Oh, darn!

21:54 Speaker 1: Woe is me! I guess the gig is up, Stan.

21:59 Speaker 2: We have been... discovered.

22:02 Speaker 7: You mean it was all faked?

22:04 Speaker 4: We were just getting ready for our next Halloween blowout and things got a little out of hand. That's what the neighbors heard and saw.

22:13 Speaker 5: I really like Halloween. Last year, we had the best haunted house in the neighborhood.

22:19 Speaker 9: Millie, is there something that you would like to say?

22:22 Speaker 6: I'm sorry.

22:25 Speaker 7: I promise I won't mention ghosts again. Oh, listen to that nosy Nellie.

22:33 Speaker 9: Thank God. Stan, I apologize for all of this. See you at the office.

22:39 Speaker 10: I can't believe.

22:41 Speaker 2: Just because you don't believe in ghosts doesn't mean we don't exist.

22:50 Speaker 3: Hey, was that.

22:50 Speaker 7: It was very nice meeting you.

22:52 Speaker 1: Please get your equipment out of my house. I'll be watching for the next episode.

22:56 Speaker 2: Bye-bye.

22:59 Speaker 1: Did we pull it off?

23:00 Speaker 4: I think so, Fred. Please, for all of our sakes, no more guests.

23:07 Speaker 2: Oh, it's a deal.

23:08 Speaker 5: It better be. And help Stan paint the living room.

23:14 Speaker 1: Again.

23:14 Speaker 3: Stan and Dorothy allow the production team to remove the cameras. After a quick exit, they all settle down to watch a good old-fashioned horror movie. And if you have never watched a scary movie with a ghost, I highly recommend it. I also recommend that you join me back here shortly.

23:55 Speaker 3: Bess Truman once said that she was sure that the White House had ghosts, but she was not half as alarmed in meeting them as she was meeting with the live nuts that she had to meet every day. For Stan and Dorothy, they have grown to accept their resident ghost, Frederick Washington Davis. Our cast included William Stafford, Crimson McKenzie, Winslow Swan, Robert Jackson, Annie Mick, Dave Arkapov, and Ezra J.D. Emmons. The story was edited by Crimson McKenzie, and the entire production was under the direction of Winslow Swan.

24:44 Speaker 3: And now, a preview of our next tale.

24:49 Speaker 7: Don't you get it yet?

24:51 Speaker 6: We shouldn't have come in here.

24:52 Speaker 7: It's just an old house.

24:54 Speaker 1: There is nothing in here. It was either this or stay out in the storm.

24:58 Speaker 2: I don't mind the storm compared to this.

25:01 Speaker 7: Compared to what, Matthew?

25:03 Speaker 1: It's just an old house. Nothing more than that.

25:07 Speaker 3: Doorway to Nightmare is brought to you in part by Swanage Press. This is your host inviting you to return with us through the doorway to nightmare for another adventure into the world of your terrifying imagination. Until next time, slumber peacefully. Epilogue. The butler did it.